I sat down today to do what I could to resurrect this blog, to go back to my list of events and projects and service and awards and begin to fill in the gaps, but in my present state, where I feel more calm and more accepting of imperfection and failure, where I have more ability to spend my energy on the things that truly bring me joy, I am choosing not to meticulously catalog the past two years of my SCA life, because it feels like a chore rather than a pleasant reminiscence. I will have a post soon with whatever details I feel are important to my own records and memory, and with some pictures of the things I've done that bring me joy, and what I'm planning to tackle next, but if there are any readers out there reading this, you can expect a different tone here going forward. I am rekindling my love of the SCA and I'm not going anywhere, but I've found a newer, truer way to follow my own pleasure and happiness, and I hope that makes this a more interesting place for folks to visit.
For a long time, as long as I've been in the SCA, I had committed to writing about every event I attended, every class I taught, every project I completed, and documenting my journey. But life has a way of evolving that we cannot predict or control. When I had my daughter both of us were very ill indeed. I was severely traumatized by the experience, and spent the next several years in a fog of work, childcare, and emotional numbness. My husband and I developed a lot of unhealthy patterns, and though I kept participating in the SCA it stopped being a pleasure and started feeling like a chore. My blog here stopped in mid 2019, when the chaos was beginning to become too much, and my last in person event was our local masked ball in January 2020. What followed was a flurry of online events as well as the collapse of my life. My husband was laid off, I was stuck working from home with a toddler, then 2.5 years old, trying to get by on one income in the throes of a global upheaval I never saw coming. By late summer of 2020, my marriage was on the point of collapse, and my husband and I made the decision to separate, but for all sorts of reasons, mostly financial, we continued living together. I started/re-started a relationship with a sweetheart from my college years that looks very different. It is a polyamorous relationship, long distance, both of us with kids and lives and lots to juggle. I started taking medication, started going to therapy, started taking new interest in my own happiness. In the past I've kept my mundane life away from this space, but I learned in 2020 that trying to appear perfect, trying to be in control, trying to hide all the shadows, is enough to eventually break everything.
I sat down today to do what I could to resurrect this blog, to go back to my list of events and projects and service and awards and begin to fill in the gaps, but in my present state, where I feel more calm and more accepting of imperfection and failure, where I have more ability to spend my energy on the things that truly bring me joy, I am choosing not to meticulously catalog the past two years of my SCA life, because it feels like a chore rather than a pleasant reminiscence. I will have a post soon with whatever details I feel are important to my own records and memory, and with some pictures of the things I've done that bring me joy, and what I'm planning to tackle next, but if there are any readers out there reading this, you can expect a different tone here going forward. I am rekindling my love of the SCA and I'm not going anywhere, but I've found a newer, truer way to follow my own pleasure and happiness, and I hope that makes this a more interesting place for folks to visit.
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UrsulaI like to: play with fleece, spin, knit, weave, sew, garden, cook, eat, bake bread, dance, read, sing, and learn new things. Archives
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